Help Me Understand…an Open Letter to the Illogical.

Usually, I live the most uneventful life….go to work, come home, enjoy the family/friends and start again.  And, I LOVE that, because it is what I have chosen for my life and moved toward.  But, nearly a year ago someone I thought was a friend veered way left and jacked it all up.  Now, I am not ready to share all those asinine details (soon…), but I have to ask…………WTF???

What I have learned over this time, during the “split from hell,” is that when dealing with a narcissistic personality there is no logic.  For that matter, any of the personality disorders provides a sense of surreal that Salvador Dali couldn’t even begin to touch.  And I have done a great deal of research (shocker, I know, for those that know me) about this disorder and have been stunned by what I have discerned.   The need to be “all that” is ever present, and any means will be used.

What I can’t fathom--and I am sure it is because I don’t have the disorder, and can’t imagine the lack of rational thought that gets someone there—is how someone who is so in need of control and confident of success would continue to do the kind of things that would expose them for the altered mind that they are…. 

Narcissists are sure they can sway all to their way of thinking (scary, I know) and will create any, pretty convincing, story to do so.  But, the antithesis of this approach is truth, fact and PROOF.  So, why would someone who thinks they are “THAT” smart provide the proof that they are not….and the same irrefutable truth/facts that will show THE WORLD how irrational they truly are????  I know the answer…it is a mental health problem.  Obviously! 

But, now more than I ever realized in my numerous psych classes in school, or my years of practice is that mental health issues are frequently overlooked because the mainstream doesn’t get it—can’t get it because we are wired differently.  And through those lenses, it is easier to turn a blind eye than say let’s figure this out and see if we can help.   It worries me that there seems to be an increasing inability to deal with mental issues and an increasing trend in pretending they don’t really exist.  Or is it just me and my experiences????

Some days, it really is just the little things…

About four months ago, I had one of the worst days I have had in a good long while.  Work was a beating (just plain ugliness), home was a mess, our legal case dragging on and too much stuff coming up or pending.  You know the type of day….you can feel the meltdown coming and hope you will not lose your shit in a very public way.  Well, that was the day I was having.

On my way home, I had a long discussion with myself about “if God exists.”   I stopped at the grocery store on the way, and while browsing for dinner and a much needed bottle of wine, I continued my discussion…out loud by myself. 

I realize that I looked insane, arguing with myself, but the conversation was too important to let go.  These were big questions, and I had no insight or answers.  And, none were forthcoming….”Why isn’t there justice?  Why do good things happen to rotten people? How is it fair that there is so much illness and pain?”  BIG questions…

I went through the check out lane and was begging for some sort of sign, or answer, and getting none proceeded to push the cart out.  I made it about 5 feet before the liter bottle of wine I bought (it REALLY was THAT kind of day), slipped through the open leg whole of the cart seat that the bag boy kindly didn’t block with the ‘flap thing’ and landed fully on my exposed big toe. 

I saw stars—to say the least—and proceeded to yelp loudly, drawing a great deal of attention.  Great—I am crying, picking up my wine, glaring at a bag boy and talking to myself—WTH??? 

With the little dignity I could muster, I limped out of the store with my chin up and mascara running and thought, “well that must be a grand answer of sorts!!!”   That revelation really did settle so much…

Why am I telling you this?  Why do you care?  Well…you probably don’t, but I am telling this story because that day I realized that things can get worse, and problems do need to be dealt with however you can, and sometimes you just need the meltdown!  Also, the wine wasn’t a bad idea.  But MOST importantly, I lost that nail and had to wait about 4 months for it to grow back….

Today, I had another (not as bad) crappy day.  And, since the nail grew back, I went and got a pedicure and I am feeling soooooo much better. 

Yes, I won’t apologize for telling that long story to say I got my nails done, because that little thing made a big difference in my day and outlook.  We just need to find the right little things….

What are yours???

 

 

Justice….that Bitch is Blind and RICH!!!

Let me start off by saying that the reason I am dealing with our wonderful (insert sarcastic smirk here) judicial system is a story much too long for a blog post and will most likely be an amazing novel written by me in the future. Suffice it to say that the adage about going into business with friends and family is SPOT ON!

But, for now…I have been afforded (ha-ha) a unique (well maybe not so unique) opportunity to participate in our justice system.   And, let me just say that it is one fucked up process from beginning to end.  Ok, I realize, you are only getting my perspective, but I will assure you that I am presenting from a point of logic and reason.  Because, I am not capable of anything else!!!  

I live an average middle-class life.  I have saved for years and lived under my means on purpose.  That was what I was taught you did…you save for the golden years, so you don’t spend that time worrying about the basics.  And, I had a pretty good savings going.  In addition, we (the hubs and I ) have been gifted a significant inheritance in order to help us through this turmoil.

It will probably be enough to get us through our lawsuit, and start saving again, but just…  And, that is wrong.  WHY????

Because the average person can’t fight back when they are being taken advantage of.  Because if you don’t have a life savings, or can’t afford to lose it all—and who really can?—you won’t have the opportunity to fight being a victim against someone who can pay.  The cost of legally seeking recourse is damned expensive….lawyers are pricey.  But, it isn’t their fault. 

Now….(pause for effect)….. I just had every lawyer joke I have ever told or heard run through my head….followed by a resounding thought of “why isn’t it their fault, they charge that much?”

Yes, they do.  And so do a whole bunch of other professionals (e.g. doctors, accountants, decorators….etc.).  The problem is that when you pay another type of professional a huge hourly fee, they are able to get that shit done in a reasonable timeframe (you finish your appointment and the doctor says “next,” and you stop paying for his/her time).  With the law….not so much. WHY????

Because it isn’t really about who or what is right or wrong.  Nor, is it about what the law states…entirely.  It is about the process of presenting and arguing the law.  I would compare it to a chess game for checker players…on STEROIDS.  And that is because the rules for winning (the law) appear less important than the rules of the game (the practice of presenting your case). 

What I have observed and learned is that the procedures that you follow can determine the facts nearly as much as the facts.  It is like the game Simon Says…if Simon doesn’t say, go back and start again—and good luck winning.  In other words, if your attorney doesn’t present everything like the judge expects and according to all the rules (and like the English language there is an exception to almost every rule), then they need to go back and try again, and again, and again; all while the opposing team is doing the same thing again, and again, and again—and both sides are defending that.  In the meantime, SUCKER, you are paying for all that time.   And it can go on forever….this back and forth BS arguing the rules…before a judge/jury ever actually gets to hear the facts.  So, if you aren’t broke by then, you may get your day in court.

And, you might win….provided the stars align.  But, regardless…Justice, that BITCH, is doing just fine.   Doesn’t feel like justice at all.

Anyone else ever get to experience this joy????

A momentary rant….Insurance Companies are all that is evil….

Allow me to clarify….Health insurance companies are the anti-Christ! 

Dramatic?  Maybe…  Hateful?  Probably….Inaccurate?  No fucking way!!!!

I work in healthcare.  I am a nurse and have been for quite some time.  I know the ins and outs of our convoluted system (to some degree), but I have got to say that it has finally reached unimaginably stupid proportions!!!!

I have insurance, so I am doing better than nearly 45 million others….you would think.  However, yesterday as I went to pick up prescriptions, I was informed that one of my son’s maintenance medications (my 7 year old has asthma and uses Pulmicort) wasn’t “covered.”  OK….”how much?” I ask.  Just $160 !!!  WTF????  Really?????

Here is the thing…  I got the medication.  Because, I could afford it and he NEEDS it. But, all I kept thinking is how many can’t do that?  How does that make any eff’ing sense at all??? 

It doesn’t and here is the reason…. about 2 weeks ago, he had an exacerbation (his asthma acted up during the cold) and the rescue inhaler wasn’t cutting it and we were out of the maintenance.  So, I had to take him to the doctor’s office, where he was prescribed a systemic oral steroid.  That visit and the medication cost ME only (feel the sarcasm in that word) about $85 –about half the medication cost.  But, the insurance company’s portion cost about twice that…

In essence, the insurance company paid the cost of his maintenance drug in one office visit, that might have been prevented with the Pulmicort.   BUT (or BUTT—meaning the ass logic), the insurance company won’t pay that cost.

What I got from this encounter—this joyous interaction with the more than moronic insurance—is that they would rather you get sick and pay more than prevent that occurrence, just in case it might be cheaper.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID….Not only are they gambling on a greater cost, but the increased long-term effects of having to fix an illness vs. preventing it has huge cost implications for insurance companies….not to mention the toll it takes on a patient.   It makes no sense to pay about $160 an urgent visit (which could be more than once a month) than pay that amount monthly to prevent a visit.  Nor, does it make sense to risk the complication –which are covered and THEY have to pay for. 

Now, I could spend hours debating this—as could most—but I won’t.  I just needed to say—WTF???  Why are we allowing insurance companies to gamble with our health when it isn’t cost effective or logical? And, who the hell is the overpaid (because it is obviously got to be making someone rich) asshole who makes this kind of decision when bartering a kids life????? 

Bastards!

Sit here in your paper gown…

I have the BEST doctor ever!  I swear.  I know that not everyone can say this, but I can.  Dr. Dilley rocks!  
I have been her patient for about seven years now, and have to drive an hour to get to her office.  Totally worth it.  Totally….
I first met her when I was referred to her former partner, and was scheduled with  her accidentally.  No big deal, needed a check up and figured all doctors could do that…..didn’t even consider it an issue (I am a nurse, so I get that this happens).   I changed into my paper gown, ass hanging out, and waited in the room that always seems too cold.  Thankfully, it was a short wait.
And, in walks the doctor….holy cow, “is she even 15 yet?” Is all I can think.  Now, I know everyone starts somewhere, but I was not sure she was old enough to be a doc; well, at least, maybe not my doctor.  She was amazing.
Get this… she sat and talked to me—and LISTENED.  She never poo-poo-ed me (which happens a lot as a nurse—we have self diagnosis issues, I am told) and she was able to support all of her treatment ideas with actual studies.  And, she easily fielded my questions.  The best part?  SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT.  WOW!!! 
So, since that day, she is my doctor.  Although, today at my yearly check up, in my paper gown freezing off my rear, I briefly felt that initial “holy cow.”
She hasn’t aged a bit.  She is still 15 and I am now 7 years older.  Which she, kindly, drove home as she was discussing the pain in my thumb is a “usual site for arthritis.” And, I am “nearing an age for annual mammograms.” I should also start exercising (heard this before, but…), not for weight loss, but because as we “near menopause our muscle mass begins to decline” and those who exercise fair better.  Seriously????  I felt pretty good walking in (except my lawyer called me right before and jacked up my blood pressure), but nearly begged for a walker going out!
I still consider myself young (teens during the 80’s), and often forget my age –not because of dementia, but because I don’t think old.  Yet, I got a solid dose of reality with the visit. 
I still love my doctor, and will drive forever to see her, because she still sat down, talked, listened and asked.  And, she still reads those studies.  She cares.  And, because she does –an apparently I am getting older—I guess I will take the advise.  DAMN IT.

All things evil….ok, just Pinterest.

I have, fairly recently, found Pinterest.  I know.  I am late to the party…always….but, I am here now.  And, all I have to say is, “EVIL!”

That might be a little over the top, but you need to understand that I am not ‘that’ girl.  I only went to Pinterest to see what all the fuss was about; why everyone was talking about what they made/did because of a pin, etc.  I was overwhelmed the first time I went to the site.  Where the hell did all the Martha Stewart-like clones come from…  Holy Shit, it was the Stepford wives (old ass reference—look it up) for crafting.  Does everyone have a crafting blog???

But, it was fascinating—like an accident is—at first, and I found myself wondering.  So after a few forays into pins, I tried one.  FAIL!!!  It looked like I was having some sort of “episode” (the medical kind) while making the damn thing.  “Great,” I thought, “a site to make me feel completely inadequate and lacking in creativity.”  The tragic thing about that thought, is I have never given a shit about crafts or my creativity before.  So, who cares????  Well, I did.  I am kind of an overachiever.

So, like the trooper (aka--obsessed individual) I am, I tried again.  FAIL!!!!  Seriously??? Do I really need to throw away another t-shirt for trying some dumbass no sew project?  YES….  And, I decided that Pinterest wasn’t for me.  Amen!

A few weeks later, in the midst of probably the most turmoil my life has seen (while I believe I live an uneventful everyday life….)—a lawsuit with a narcissistic partner, several government agency surveys at work, more broken than fixed at work (including a somewhat hostile workplace—as if the complete lack of order wasn’t enough), not a clean spot at home, raising two boys who are crazy – and still trying to maintain the relative normalcy that is supposed to exist in suburbia, I sought solace in the happy structure that lives in the PIN.  My life might be utter chaos and a mess, but isn’t that the most amazing use of a milk jug?  Or, what a novel idea for old books.  And, I think if I tried, that craft project could work….

I went back to a site with good outcomes—even though they hadn’t been mine—and tried to garner some semblance of order.  The holidays only helped me along, because I didn’t have friggin’ clue one about what to do for so many in my life when I would rather die than go to a shopping center between Black Friday and New Year’s.  (Someday, I will share THAT joyous story.)  What I found was enthusiasm and hope, with some good tutorials and positive encouragement.   And, I made some kick-ass homemade gifts this year for my friends and family (maybe I will join the masses and blog about that—do NOT hold your breath).  If you find the right pin, it is pretty reaffirming.

But, the reality is, it isn’t about how evil Pinterest is with all those amazing people creating awesome things that I could never fucking do….it was about the upbeat vibe that comes from those who post the projects and assure you it is a “great idea.”  And, MORE than anything else, it was about being able to focus on a project that didn’t require me to spend hours contemplating…but, did require focus and determination and ended with an actual, real, useful and positive outcome. Something that distracted me from all the unbelievable day-to-day shit, but still had a result and could be fairly simple. Have I become a clone?  NO…

What I have become, is someone who is able to suspend the mental torment of thinking of all the things I need to do all the time, and just put together a really neat usable item….and, forget all the bullshit for some time (however long the project took).   I still have my same challenges (e.g., lawsuit continues, ugly behavior between co-workers, crazy kids, etc.), but I also have some nice gifts that provided me with a moments piece of mind, a feeling of accomplishment and some really positive feedback from people who know how AMAZING it is that I did anything remotely crafty, ever. 

I think that I came out ahead, in this regard….thanks to all that EVIL